From Lovers to Friends to...

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not cut out to be friends with an ex. I have to admit that although I've realized this for a few months, I wasn't strong enough to face that fact or do anything about it. But since the ex began dating someone else, she's placed our friendship on the back burner. That was painful. It was like breaking up all over again but without the animosity. I didn't add "hurt feelings" because my feelings were indeed hurt. But thanks to a couple of friends who tolerated my daily waxing and waning about my hurt feelings, I slowly came to terms with the inevitable: I am not cut out to be friends with someone I once cared for and it was best for me to embrace this forced distance and use it as an opportunity to get over her; the opportunity I didn't have before because even though we broke up, we still remained a constant presence in each other's lives. It was a painful reality to understand that we each had different perceptions of the definition of friendship, our friendship in particular. That's ok, though. I don't harbor resentment and I wish her well. I wish me well too.

Staycating...

I recently went on a long weekend to Provincetown, MA. It was there that I had an epiphany of sorts about reasons I seemed to be stuck. Of course, the events of the past few years were major contributors as well. Anywho, a few days after returning from P-Town, I visited a friend in Hampton, VA. I had a wonderful time with her and her two boys swimming on a beach only later to learn that swimming was prohibited! We didn't see the sign until we were on our way out! A totally spontaneous tremendously fun, albeit prohibited, adventure that we embarked upon because our tardiness caused her son to miss his soccer team's swim party, turned out to be one of the best days I'd had in years! On my drive home, I felt happy and free and I wondered how I could maintain that sense of euphoria (without hitting the pipe). I’ve only been working for a year after two of unemployment, so a big fancy vacation or extended stay at a tranquil spa was out of the question. But, a “staycation” of sorts wasn’t so far fetched. So, with virtually no money to go on an extravagant vacation to anywhere, I decided to explore my own backyard. With the exception of five years, I've lived in the DC Metro area since 1987. Currently, I live in Maryland, so I decided to explore it - alone. My "Solo Summer of Fun" ("SSoF" pronounced "Sof") I call it. Each weekend, I take a day trip to somewhere in Maryland. That's my only plan...the events of that day just unfold as I feel them. Even the location is pretty spontaneous and dependent on my mood. Mostly, I feel like being outdoors, despite the near unbearable heat Mother Nature has cast down on us recently. So, this summer, I'm being bold and totally selfish. This time is for me. To find me. To heal me. And, ultimately, to learn to love me.

Layers

My summer reading list included "Eat, Pray, Love." It was my first e-book experience - I read it on the iPhone - so convenient! I experienced a vast range of emotions as I read and related to Elizabeth Gilbert's deeply personal and heartrendingly honest musings about her broken spirit; the pains of her marriage, divorce and the subsequent failed relationship; her travels to Italy, Indonesia, and India; and ultimately, her healing. I understood that I also was badly broken and desperately needed to heal. Unlike Ms. Gilbert, however, I did not have a publisher willing to finance a year-long three-country writing adventure (yes, I'm jealous!). But I liked the idea of traveling alone with no particular plans other than to just be enveloped in the embrace of the Universe and to peel away the many layers of pain, bitterness, anger, sadness, guilt, and fleeting moments of happiness that I had become over the years. Like Ms. Gilbert, and I suspect so many other people, women in particular, I not only wanted to peel them away, I wanted to examine each one and truly see the contribution each layer had made to my current state of mind. I wanted to examine those layers and them put them away forever. I wanted to - no, I want to, heal my badly broken spirit.

Being Bold

I'm sure people in my inner circle are probably tired of hearing about my trials and tribulations of the past few years and that's understandable and OK. I don't plan to post them here. However, it seems it is those T&T's that are the catalyst to this recent awakening from what seems to have been a near-eternal slumber. I am experiencing so many sensations that I thought had long been lost in the abyss of darkness that has been my life for so long. These sensations have now been awakened or re-awakened in me and I feel them with every fiber of my being. It's like people who quit smoking and get back the sensation of taste. Everything sweet really tastes sweet, that which is sour tastes sour, etc. I, too, am getting the sensation of taste back - a taste for life; a taste to live and appreciate life...my life. I also am experiencing the will and desire to write. Hence this blog. One day soon, I'll revisit the novel I started writing more than ten years ago. Baby steps. This blog is my foray into boldness.