I recently visited a town in central Maryland called Havre de Grace. It's a quaint little maritime town perched on mouth of the Susquehana River, replete with natural beauty and old-time charm. I visited on the day of their annual art and craft show in the park and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. There was so much beautiful and original jewelry, I just could not resist! I love turquoise and saw the cutest ring and necklace. I thought I was getting the ring for a steal...the sticker said "8"...I was so giddy, I even whispered to a woman standing next to me that I thought the designer was crazy for selling it so cheap. She said something back to me, but in my excitement, I didn't hear her. Well, the joke was on me when I stepped to the register to pay...my bargain-priced "8" ring was actually $52! You got it, the 8 was the size! It hit me right then, that that's what the woman whispered back to me..."the 8 is the size." She probably got a good laugh.
After spending a couple of hours and too much money at the art and craft show, I walked along the promenade. I felt so good being out there that I had this huge smile (probably goofy too) plastered on my face as I strolled along the promenade watching the sailboats dotting the rive as far as my eyes could see. Every now and then a speed boat would whiz leaving in its wake huge waves that rippled and splashed against the rocks creating a little bit of a spray to my face. My walk on the promenade took me to the town's land-based lighthouse -"Concord Point Lighthouse" (I love lighthouses!). I climbed the steep spiral stairs to the top where I had a great view of the river. As much as I loved being up there, there was no ventilation and I decided I'd better make a make a hasty departure lest I melt! Ahhh...my descent, in my cute little faux-jewled sandals, was a bit tricky (it was a breeze going up). You see, I have this tiny fear of heights...I'm good as long as I don't look down. From the cramped tiny space in the crown of the lighthouse, I had to look down and all around to determine how to make my descent in such a manner that wouldn't leave me in a heap at the bottom of the winding stairs. That brief look down caused me some anxiety, so I stayed at the top of the lighthouse a little longer than was physically comfortable while I calmed myself and talked myself down-there were other visitors waiting to climb to the top after all and I was holding them up. Finally, slowly, and I mean slooowwly, I made it back down...step by step, holding so tightly onto the rails that I thought I'd pull one down. That was the one time during that day when I was grateful for the sweltering heat - I could blame my perspiration on the heat rather than my acrophobia-related fear! I mean, seriously, the lighthouse isn't all that tall so it might seem insane for anyone to be afraid of the height. But we all know you can't control what causes fear.
In order for me to come down from the lighthouse, I had to temporarily conquer a longtime fear, and I did. Once I got to the bottom I sat on the bench right outside of the lighthouse bench and just kind of got lost in my thoughts (after thanking the Universe for seeing to my safety). I felt so different that day in Havre de Grace than I did on my first day trip to Solomon's Island. In Havre de Grace, I felt so alive and carefree. I've become comfortable in my skin. I've learned about me - I'm still learning. I realized that overcoming my fear to come down from the lighthouse was more than just about getting out of the lighthouse. It punctuated the fact that basically I've spent the entire summer conquering fears. Regaining confidence. Finding me. As I've taken day trips each weekend this summer, I've grown. I've calmed down. I've shed some of the layers of sadness, anger, and negative emotions and replaced them with hope, strength and positive feelings. I've rediscovered life.
When I started this blog, I felt like I was sinking and couldn't see my way up. Then, I started on my solo summer of fun and it's been that and so much more. I remember my first trip to Solomon's Island and feeling lost and not really knowing what to do with myself in that beautiful tranquil sleepy little town. I also remember feeling free albeit unsure of what to do with that freedom, but feeling free nonetheless and determined to do whatever was necessary to find myself. Now, just about four weeks later, I feel so alive...still free, and still not quite sure of what do with that freedom, but I feel so much more in control. I'm no longer sinking; I'm on solid ground and that's a great feeling. My weekend day trips have been so wonderful. I'll have to go recount them and post details of my experiences, but for now, I'll just say that making the decision to selfishly spend my summer alone was the best decision I have made for myself in a long time.
I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not cut out to be friends with an ex. I have to admit that although I've realized this for a few months, I wasn't strong enough to face that fact or do anything about it. But since the ex began dating someone else, she's placed our friendship on the back burner. That was painful. It was like breaking up all over again but without the animosity. I didn't add "hurt feelings" because my feelings were indeed hurt. But thanks to a couple of friends who tolerated my daily waxing and waning about my hurt feelings, I slowly came to terms with the inevitable: I am not cut out to be friends with someone I once cared for and it was best for me to embrace this forced distance and use it as an opportunity to get over her; the opportunity I didn't have before because even though we broke up, we still remained a constant presence in each other's lives. It was a painful reality to understand that we each had different perceptions of the definition of friendship, our friendship in particular. That's ok, though. I don't harbor resentment and I wish her well. I wish me well too.
I recently went on a long weekend to Provincetown, MA. It was there that I had an epiphany of sorts about reasons I seemed to be stuck. Of course, the events of the past few years were major contributors as well. Anywho, a few days after returning from P-Town, I visited a friend in Hampton, VA. I had a wonderful time with her and her two boys swimming on a beach only later to learn that swimming was prohibited! We didn't see the sign until we were on our way out! A totally spontaneous tremendously fun, albeit prohibited, adventure that we embarked upon because our tardiness caused her son to miss his soccer team's swim party, turned out to be one of the best days I'd had in years! On my drive home, I felt happy and free and I wondered how I could maintain that sense of euphoria (without hitting the pipe). I’ve only been working for a year after two of unemployment, so a big fancy vacation or extended stay at a tranquil spa was out of the question. But, a “staycation” of sorts wasn’t so far fetched. So, with virtually no money to go on an extravagant vacation to anywhere, I decided to explore my own backyard. With the exception of five years, I've lived in the DC Metro area since 1987. Currently, I live in Maryland, so I decided to explore it - alone. My "Solo Summer of Fun" ("SSoF" pronounced "Sof") I call it. Each weekend, I take a day trip to somewhere in Maryland. That's my only plan...the events of that day just unfold as I feel them. Even the location is pretty spontaneous and dependent on my mood. Mostly, I feel like being outdoors, despite the near unbearable heat Mother Nature has cast down on us recently. So, this summer, I'm being bold and totally selfish. This time is for me. To find me. To heal me. And, ultimately, to learn to love me.
My summer reading list included "Eat, Pray, Love." It was my first e-book experience - I read it on the iPhone - so convenient! I experienced a vast range of emotions as I read and related to Elizabeth Gilbert's deeply personal and heartrendingly honest musings about her broken spirit; the pains of her marriage, divorce and the subsequent failed relationship; her travels to Italy, Indonesia, and India; and ultimately, her healing. I understood that I also was badly broken and desperately needed to heal. Unlike Ms. Gilbert, however, I did not have a publisher willing to finance a year-long three-country writing adventure (yes, I'm jealous!). But I liked the idea of traveling alone with no particular plans other than to just be enveloped in the embrace of the Universe and to peel away the many layers of pain, bitterness, anger, sadness, guilt, and fleeting moments of happiness that I had become over the years. Like Ms. Gilbert, and I suspect so many other people, women in particular, I not only wanted to peel them away, I wanted to examine each one and truly see the contribution each layer had made to my current state of mind. I wanted to examine those layers and them put them away forever. I wanted to - no, I want to, heal my badly broken spirit.
I'm sure people in my inner circle are probably tired of hearing about my trials and tribulations of the past few years and that's understandable and OK. I don't plan to post them here. However, it seems it is those T&T's that are the catalyst to this recent awakening from what seems to have been a near-eternal slumber. I am experiencing so many sensations that I thought had long been lost in the abyss of darkness that has been my life for so long. These sensations have now been awakened or re-awakened in me and I feel them with every fiber of my being. It's like people who quit smoking and get back the sensation of taste. Everything sweet really tastes sweet, that which is sour tastes sour, etc. I, too, am getting the sensation of taste back - a taste for life; a taste to live and appreciate life...my life. I also am experiencing the will and desire to write. Hence this blog. One day soon, I'll revisit the novel I started writing more than ten years ago. Baby steps. This blog is my foray into boldness.
